Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
