I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
