I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
