Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
