My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize