I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
