you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize