Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
