If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
