I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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