We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
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