why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
