I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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