i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
