i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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