It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
