he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
