The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Text me some of your sweat
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