Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
