No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
