In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
