my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
