guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
