Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
