Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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