So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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