Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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