girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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