Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
