just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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