I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
