I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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