I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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