My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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