I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
