never play flip cup with pint glasses
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
my god I love twenty year old dicks
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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