Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize