I'm going to jail i love you
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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