It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
