so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
