you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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