I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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