Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I think your dad took our porno
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
