i may or may not be watching the land before time
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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