oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
