as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
