Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
