It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
