If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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