I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
