I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
