I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
