I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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