Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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