I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
