I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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