I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize