Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
